Bebo is a popular social networking site used primarily by children. Bebo works much like other social networking sites in that users log in and create a stupid page filled with meaningless shit and then spread it around, polluting everything. Like all social networking sites, Bebo ruins lives, turning its users into dribbling, socially handicapped, paranoid, obsessive, whining drones. Every time a user “clicks the mouse” on an “icon” within Bebo – a young animal is churned into the ground by a tractor making room for more phone cables.
Before Bebo, children would run and play in the fields, sniffing buttercups and climbing trees, sharing wholesome adventures before trotting home to their mothers, stopping off at the corner shop to buy a quarter ounce of lemon drops and a pocket full of dreams. Within a year of Bebo’s creation in 2005, every child on earth weighed 18 stones and needed a crane to get out of bed.
“Bebo Children” have heard of buttercups and trees but have never seen them in real life. Occasionally “Cyber Bullies” will download a picture of a tree in order to hang another virtual child from its branches. Bebo children never leave their bedrooms and their diet consists mainly of lard, alcopops and knives. Bebo children don’t wash and most die before the age of twelve having never met their fat parents who are busy creating beautiful versions of themselves on “Second Life” so they can have virtual affairs with beautiful versions of fat parents in other countries.
Bebo works by confusing a child’s mind with swirly colours and flashing imagery before latching into the victims psyche and eradicating all will to explore the earth. Within hours of logging on the child becomes entirely “site dependent,” losing any desire to engage with reality. Bebo’s clever mix of music and graphics rewards the child for every physical impulse it shuts down in favour of the computer screen. Bebo children have often been known to shit themselves and sit in it rather than leave Bebo to visit a toilet. Bebo was created by husband and wife Michael and Xochi Birch who by all accounts sleep soundly every night in their bed made of gold.
The bebo mainframe is switched on twenty four hours per day and runs on children’s blood.
Tuesday 16 December 2008
Friday 5 December 2008
Freedom of Expression
There are over one hundred million “blogs” online. Thanks to the internet, millions of people are able to broadcast across the world that which would previously only have been found written in shit on the walls of an asylum.
Examples of typical blog content.
MIKEY LONG describes himself as a Christan (sic) movie reviewer who wants to save people from the devil by stopping them watching films. Some of Mikey’s criticism of popular film includes describing The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as “a film about a lion trying to be Jesus which is blasphemy.” He goes on to say that, “This lion called Aslo get on a table and gets tied up like a crusifix then he come back to life like jesus except when jesus did it it was real and is proved in books whereas this is just a fairy story." Mikey finishes the review by stating that, "If you like this film you like the devil becasue of jesus and whorshipping false lions which is forbidden.”
In other reviews Mikey states that Lost in Translation, starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson, “is about a peedofile who chases a young virgin through the gambling city of the devil.” Mikey also informs us that E.T. The Extra Terrestrial is about “a stupid brown rubber toy that shits itself." He goes on to say that, "E.T is this thing with a long finger with a swollen red tip which he uses on a boy which is illegal. His neck grows as well which looks like something.”
TRACY SHORT’S PSYCHIC BLOG OF DESTINY offers the reader “A look behind the curtain at the wonderful world of mediumship”. The author publishes daily transcripts of “actual proved readings” where she “speaks to people’s relatives who have become stuck in the paranormal.” The following was taken from Tracy’s transcript of a session with “Mrs Smith who is my auntie’s best friend’s friend and has got six dogs.”
TRACY : I see an accident… Involving water.
MRS SMITH : No.
TRACY : Right, but something happened didn’t it? Involving water?
MRS SMITH : No.
TRACY : ... Well, no, something did happen with water didn’t it? In the last week?
MRS SMITH : No.
TRACY : You didn’t drink any water? Over the past week. You weren’t thirsty?
MRS SMITH : Well of course I drank some water but -
TRACY : I’ve just proved I can talk to the dead.
BRING BACK THE DEATH PENALTY is a blog by Joe Stringer. Each week Joe shares his thoughts on murderers and how “no one who wants to take someone’s life can ever be recuperated and that’s why I want these people killed.” Joe goes on to say that when he thinks about people who kill, he “can taste blood”. In recent weeks Joe has been trying to form a “lynch mob” in order to deliver “justice” to an old man on his street who was at one time accused of murdering his wife but was later acquitted. Mr Stringer states that “he KNOWS” this man is guilty. He goes on to say that “this man lives at number 19, number 20, or number 22 down my road, I don’t know which. Either way, someone’s going down.” Numerous comments on the site claiming that the man in question was acquitted because his wife was discovered alive and well off the coast of Somalia and that the couple have been living happily together for the last six years - have been ignored.
MEL GIBSON IS THE NEXT JESUS is a blog about Mel Gibson being the next Jesus. The anonymous author of this insightful journal states that “He never would have guessd that lootenant scully from lethal weapen would end up being the saviour of mankind but it’s proved now so that’s the end of it.” In response to comments asking for examples of said proof, the author sites the film What Women Want in which “Mel Gibson heard women's thoughts which is what jesus proved he could do when he was handing out fish and he guessed whether women wanted fish or bread by reading their thoughts (mainly bread).”
Examples of typical blog content.
MIKEY LONG describes himself as a Christan (sic) movie reviewer who wants to save people from the devil by stopping them watching films. Some of Mikey’s criticism of popular film includes describing The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as “a film about a lion trying to be Jesus which is blasphemy.” He goes on to say that, “This lion called Aslo get on a table and gets tied up like a crusifix then he come back to life like jesus except when jesus did it it was real and is proved in books whereas this is just a fairy story." Mikey finishes the review by stating that, "If you like this film you like the devil becasue of jesus and whorshipping false lions which is forbidden.”
In other reviews Mikey states that Lost in Translation, starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson, “is about a peedofile who chases a young virgin through the gambling city of the devil.” Mikey also informs us that E.T. The Extra Terrestrial is about “a stupid brown rubber toy that shits itself." He goes on to say that, "E.T is this thing with a long finger with a swollen red tip which he uses on a boy which is illegal. His neck grows as well which looks like something.”
TRACY SHORT’S PSYCHIC BLOG OF DESTINY offers the reader “A look behind the curtain at the wonderful world of mediumship”. The author publishes daily transcripts of “actual proved readings” where she “speaks to people’s relatives who have become stuck in the paranormal.” The following was taken from Tracy’s transcript of a session with “Mrs Smith who is my auntie’s best friend’s friend and has got six dogs.”
TRACY : I see an accident… Involving water.
MRS SMITH : No.
TRACY : Right, but something happened didn’t it? Involving water?
MRS SMITH : No.
TRACY : ... Well, no, something did happen with water didn’t it? In the last week?
MRS SMITH : No.
TRACY : You didn’t drink any water? Over the past week. You weren’t thirsty?
MRS SMITH : Well of course I drank some water but -
TRACY : I’ve just proved I can talk to the dead.
BRING BACK THE DEATH PENALTY is a blog by Joe Stringer. Each week Joe shares his thoughts on murderers and how “no one who wants to take someone’s life can ever be recuperated and that’s why I want these people killed.” Joe goes on to say that when he thinks about people who kill, he “can taste blood”. In recent weeks Joe has been trying to form a “lynch mob” in order to deliver “justice” to an old man on his street who was at one time accused of murdering his wife but was later acquitted. Mr Stringer states that “he KNOWS” this man is guilty. He goes on to say that “this man lives at number 19, number 20, or number 22 down my road, I don’t know which. Either way, someone’s going down.” Numerous comments on the site claiming that the man in question was acquitted because his wife was discovered alive and well off the coast of Somalia and that the couple have been living happily together for the last six years - have been ignored.
MEL GIBSON IS THE NEXT JESUS is a blog about Mel Gibson being the next Jesus. The anonymous author of this insightful journal states that “He never would have guessd that lootenant scully from lethal weapen would end up being the saviour of mankind but it’s proved now so that’s the end of it.” In response to comments asking for examples of said proof, the author sites the film What Women Want in which “Mel Gibson heard women's thoughts which is what jesus proved he could do when he was handing out fish and he guessed whether women wanted fish or bread by reading their thoughts (mainly bread).”
Tuesday 2 December 2008
Youtube (General Overview)
Youtube is a kind of 'website' that 'hosts' 'video' clips that 'people' 'enjoy watching'. Many of the clips hosted on Youtube are hilarious 'home videos' made by people without lives.
Youtube also acts as a kind of barometer for society's ills. One of the most popular clips on Youtube is a sixty second piece of video showing a dog pushing its penis into another dog before throwing up onto its back. "Dog fucks another dog and then pukes" has so far been viewed by four hundred million people. Many of these people watched the video once and then, after it had finished, performed a series of clicks in order to watch it again. After watching it again they performed several more clicks and then typed some words in order to "email the link" to their "friends" so that their "friends" could also watch one dog fuck another dog and then puke onto its back.
One day these people will die and will have to account for their lives and they will be asked, "what did you do with this extraordinary gift of life that was granted you?" and they will have to explain with a straight face that they spent their time watching footage of a dog fucking another dog and then puking onto its back. They will then have to explain that after the footage had finished they performed a series of clicks in order to watch it again and after this performed a further series of clicks and typed some words in order to "email the link" to their friends. The guy whose job it is to hear people account for their lives won't really understand what he is being told and probably his first thought will be that he is having the piss taken out of him and he'll probably look around grinning sheepishly and saying "alright, where's the camera?" thinking that this is some sort of setup by Jeremy Beadle (still playing pranks even in the afterlife) but then someone is going to have sit him down and to explain to him that no, this is not a piss-take, this is real, this is actually how these people chose to spend their lives and this guy is not going to be able to comprehend this and it's just going to hit him all at once, the fucking tragic nature of what human beings have become and he'll probably kill himself and that's what youtube has done for the world.
Youtube also acts as a kind of barometer for society's ills. One of the most popular clips on Youtube is a sixty second piece of video showing a dog pushing its penis into another dog before throwing up onto its back. "Dog fucks another dog and then pukes" has so far been viewed by four hundred million people. Many of these people watched the video once and then, after it had finished, performed a series of clicks in order to watch it again. After watching it again they performed several more clicks and then typed some words in order to "email the link" to their "friends" so that their "friends" could also watch one dog fuck another dog and then puke onto its back.
One day these people will die and will have to account for their lives and they will be asked, "what did you do with this extraordinary gift of life that was granted you?" and they will have to explain with a straight face that they spent their time watching footage of a dog fucking another dog and then puking onto its back. They will then have to explain that after the footage had finished they performed a series of clicks in order to watch it again and after this performed a further series of clicks and typed some words in order to "email the link" to their friends. The guy whose job it is to hear people account for their lives won't really understand what he is being told and probably his first thought will be that he is having the piss taken out of him and he'll probably look around grinning sheepishly and saying "alright, where's the camera?" thinking that this is some sort of setup by Jeremy Beadle (still playing pranks even in the afterlife) but then someone is going to have sit him down and to explain to him that no, this is not a piss-take, this is real, this is actually how these people chose to spend their lives and this guy is not going to be able to comprehend this and it's just going to hit him all at once, the fucking tragic nature of what human beings have become and he'll probably kill himself and that's what youtube has done for the world.
LOL
LOL is an 'acronym', an abbreviation for 'Laugh Out Loud'. If you take the initial letter from each of the three words 'Laugh', 'Out', and 'Loud' -
these can be 'abbreviated' into an 'acronym' 'known' 'as 'LOL'. 'LOL' has become 'popular' 'usage' amongst 'people' using the 'internet' as a form of 'communication'.
Usage:
Imagine you are a weak, spineless, easily-hurt-feelings fuck. Perhaps a party has been organised to which you have not received an invite. In this situation - 'LOL' might be used when placing a 'comment' on that person's (the one who didn't invite you) site (MySpace, Facebook, MSN Messenger, Email) as follows -
"Hey, heard you were having a party! Where's my invite! LOL"
By temporarily inhabiting the mind of the sender it is possible to deconstruct the above sentence and decide what information is being conveyed. At face value it appears that firstly, the sender 'heard' the recipient was having a party. Secondly, he is enquiring as to what happened to his invitation and thirdly, he is 'laughing out loud' for no reason. What one must ask is, "did this person actually laugh out loud?" Or, could it be that they are a kind of lier who lies and cheats their way through life.
Even when read at face value, the message indicates that the sender is not happy at his lack of invitation. Whether he is hurt, confused, sad or angry at the lack of invite may not be clear. But what is clear, is that the sender does not have the courage to air the full brunt of his grievance and so has attempted to package it in a kind of ridiculous transparent cotton wool pillow of words by implying that immediately after his gentle enquiry he 'LOL'd. Apparently this person is so care free and easy about the whole situation that it quite literally makes him 'Laugh Out Loud'.
That the sender would credit his reader with so little intelligence as to not see through his 'ruse' is idicative of narcissistic tendencies akin with those found amongst the criminally insane. That the sender is so spineless, weak and pathetic as to be too afraid to reveal the true nature of his feelings for fear of upsetting the recipient is indicative of the cowardice and deep seated insecurity one might find in a three legged dog. Taking into account these two hypotheses one can deduce that anyone who ever used LOL ever in a sentence, regardless of the context, is about two steps shy of popping along to the garden centre to purchase a length of hosepipe (with which to kill themselves).
Translating the little sentences people spread across the web can be fun. Why not try a few yourself? Below are a few more examples to get you started.
Example pack 1. LOL Picture comments.
"Picture comments" are the little sentences people leave under other people's photographs. Angry Web Guide will post an entry on Picture Comments in due course.
a. You look fit LOL
Translation - I genuinely think you look fit but I am too spineless to say so for fear of upsetting the delicate nature of our relationship so I've tried to cover it up as a joke even though everyone on earth knows it's not a joke even the chickens.
b. You look so sexy LOL
Translation - I am wanking.
c. That beach looks great. Wish I was there with you LOL
Translation - I am wanking and crying. My penis is in my hand and I am weeping - I'm not laughing at all. I've always liked you. Why do you not SEE IT. You go to the BEACH in your COSTUME and I'm alone in the DARK etc
d. I wish I was that bicycle (chair, wall, towel, pair of panties etc) LOL
Translation. I deserve to die, seriously it would be best for everyone.
LOL Non Picture comments.
e.g. msn comments, wall comments, one line emails.
a. Hey haven't heard from you in while. TALK TO ME!!! LOL
Translation - Every night, I sit alone in my room, wanking and crying, waiting for you to contact me. I refresh the screen every minute or so. I have no life. Laughing am I? (NB - note use of exclamation marks as a further attempt to divert the reader's attention from the true meaning of the message. Anyone who uses exclamation marks, regardless of he context, should be killed) See post on "Exclamation Marks" for further information.
b. Hey, why aren't I in your top friends? LOL
Translation - It is essential to me that I appear in your top friends. I do not know how to function without my digital photograph being placed in a list of eight other digital photographs on your stupid social networking site. I'm not laughing, I dunno why I said that, this isn't funny. I've been thinking about seeing a doctor.
these can be 'abbreviated' into an 'acronym' 'known' 'as 'LOL'. 'LOL' has become 'popular' 'usage' amongst 'people' using the 'internet' as a form of 'communication'.
Usage:
Imagine you are a weak, spineless, easily-hurt-feelings fuck. Perhaps a party has been organised to which you have not received an invite. In this situation - 'LOL' might be used when placing a 'comment' on that person's (the one who didn't invite you) site (MySpace, Facebook, MSN Messenger, Email) as follows -
"Hey, heard you were having a party! Where's my invite! LOL"
By temporarily inhabiting the mind of the sender it is possible to deconstruct the above sentence and decide what information is being conveyed. At face value it appears that firstly, the sender 'heard' the recipient was having a party. Secondly, he is enquiring as to what happened to his invitation and thirdly, he is 'laughing out loud' for no reason. What one must ask is, "did this person actually laugh out loud?" Or, could it be that they are a kind of lier who lies and cheats their way through life.
Even when read at face value, the message indicates that the sender is not happy at his lack of invitation. Whether he is hurt, confused, sad or angry at the lack of invite may not be clear. But what is clear, is that the sender does not have the courage to air the full brunt of his grievance and so has attempted to package it in a kind of ridiculous transparent cotton wool pillow of words by implying that immediately after his gentle enquiry he 'LOL'd. Apparently this person is so care free and easy about the whole situation that it quite literally makes him 'Laugh Out Loud'.
That the sender would credit his reader with so little intelligence as to not see through his 'ruse' is idicative of narcissistic tendencies akin with those found amongst the criminally insane. That the sender is so spineless, weak and pathetic as to be too afraid to reveal the true nature of his feelings for fear of upsetting the recipient is indicative of the cowardice and deep seated insecurity one might find in a three legged dog. Taking into account these two hypotheses one can deduce that anyone who ever used LOL ever in a sentence, regardless of the context, is about two steps shy of popping along to the garden centre to purchase a length of hosepipe (with which to kill themselves).
Translating the little sentences people spread across the web can be fun. Why not try a few yourself? Below are a few more examples to get you started.
Example pack 1. LOL Picture comments.
"Picture comments" are the little sentences people leave under other people's photographs. Angry Web Guide will post an entry on Picture Comments in due course.
a. You look fit LOL
Translation - I genuinely think you look fit but I am too spineless to say so for fear of upsetting the delicate nature of our relationship so I've tried to cover it up as a joke even though everyone on earth knows it's not a joke even the chickens.
b. You look so sexy LOL
Translation - I am wanking.
c. That beach looks great. Wish I was there with you LOL
Translation - I am wanking and crying. My penis is in my hand and I am weeping - I'm not laughing at all. I've always liked you. Why do you not SEE IT. You go to the BEACH in your COSTUME and I'm alone in the DARK etc
d. I wish I was that bicycle (chair, wall, towel, pair of panties etc) LOL
Translation. I deserve to die, seriously it would be best for everyone.
LOL Non Picture comments.
e.g. msn comments, wall comments, one line emails.
a. Hey haven't heard from you in while. TALK TO ME!!! LOL
Translation - Every night, I sit alone in my room, wanking and crying, waiting for you to contact me. I refresh the screen every minute or so. I have no life. Laughing am I? (NB - note use of exclamation marks as a further attempt to divert the reader's attention from the true meaning of the message. Anyone who uses exclamation marks, regardless of he context, should be killed) See post on "Exclamation Marks" for further information.
b. Hey, why aren't I in your top friends? LOL
Translation - It is essential to me that I appear in your top friends. I do not know how to function without my digital photograph being placed in a list of eight other digital photographs on your stupid social networking site. I'm not laughing, I dunno why I said that, this isn't funny. I've been thinking about seeing a doctor.
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