Bebo

Bebo is a popular social networking site used primarily by children. Bebo works much like other social networking sites in that users log in and create a stupid page filled with meaningless shit and then spread it around, polluting everything. Like all social networking sites, Bebo ruins lives, turning its users into dribbling, socially handicapped, paranoid, obsessive, whining drones. Every time a user “clicks the mouse” on an “icon” within Bebo – a young animal is churned into the ground by a tractor making room for more phone cables.

Before Bebo, children would run and play in the fields, sniffing buttercups and climbing trees, sharing wholesome adventures before trotting home to their mothers, stopping off at the corner shop to buy a quarter ounce of lemon drops and a pocket full of dreams. Within a year of Bebo’s creation in 2005, every child on earth weighed 18 stones and needed a crane to get out of bed.

“Bebo Children” have heard of buttercups and trees but have never seen them in real life. Occasionally “Cyber Bullies” will download a picture of a tree in order to hang another virtual child from its branches. Bebo children never leave their bedrooms and their diet consists mainly of lard, alcopops and knives. Bebo children don’t wash and most die before the age of twelve having never met their fat parents who are busy creating beautiful versions of themselves on “Second Life” so they can have virtual affairs with beautiful versions of fat parents in other countries.

Bebo works by confusing a child’s mind with swirly colours and flashing imagery before latching into the victims psyche and eradicating all will to explore the earth. Within hours of logging on the child becomes entirely “site dependent,” losing any desire to engage with reality. Bebo’s clever mix of music and graphics rewards the child for every physical impulse it shuts down in favour of the computer screen. Bebo children have often been known to shit themselves and sit in it rather than leave Bebo to visit a toilet. Bebo was created by husband and wife Michael and Xochi Birch who by all accounts sleep soundly every night in their bed made of gold.

The bebo mainframe is switched on twenty four hours per day and runs on children’s blood.